Tabula Rasa

It's as clear as day to me: Keanu Reeves is here to usher in the next stage in evolution. Think about it: how could someone so aggressively bland, so caustically vanilla, so mediocre, be so celebrated, even by a culture as marginally intelligent as ours? It's like paying a sheet of paper millions of dollars to be white. Keanu is so mediocre it's transcendent. Even when he was scooting around in his cameo as the Dog Boy in Freaked I was rolling my eyes. In rapture? Maybe. I picked the wrong industry in which to work, because any industry that would cast this guy as the savior of the planet, or pay him a million fucking dollars for a cameo scampering about in dog make up, or show his slightly hairy ass to anyone, has to be fucked.

Or, the mongoloid svengalis of Hollywood have loosed him upon the world as a bastion of blandness to force the masses to face their laughably low standards in art, philosophy, if not basic intellectual function. As if the hand of God was guiding these money grubbing cretins to dump such a totem to mediocrity on the doorstep of our collective consciousness, thus employing the stratagem not dissimilar to locking a child in a closet until they smoke an entire carton of cigarettes. But enough about my childhood.

I am so terribly sorry for mixing so many metaphors. And for the run-on sentences. They shame me.

All of that being said, I did enjoy seeing him say "boner" to Dianne Wiest in Parenthood. And he puked convincingly in in The Matrix. And the look of constantly being out of his league that he wore in Bram Stoker's Dracula was quite satisfying.

Let the games begin! I am personally looking forward to us three squaring off against the travesty that is Constantine.