Keanu is

He's a cipher. A figurant. His eyes are terrifying, like a chicken's (dark, mechanical, and soulless). His porcelain skin is a cunning mask for world-historical dullness. He doesn't eat; he's magically replenished. Yet we keep him around; and I think that speaks to the dangerous tolerance of the present. A saner society would march the prisoner to the town square and treat itself to a Deuteronomy stoning.

But maybe I'm wrong. I'm a fair guy; I'm willing to take a fresh look at the evidence. Let us systematically discuss his 62 film and TV credits listed on imdb and reach a conclusion. Deadline for completion: Christmas Day, 2010.

Do it for Jesus.

The Keanu "Hop" in Something's Gotta Give

Watch him hop the couch, then skip into the kitchen in Something's Gotta Give and you can't tell me he wasn't escaping the thought of making out with Diane Keaton. He's a charmer in this one. (For some reason the person who posted the clip doesn't want it embeded, uhm why??)

"The Hop"

Notes on this video:

1. Someone painstakingly put together a highlight reel of Keanu and Diane Keaton moments.

2. I repeat someone painstakingly put together a highlight reel of Keanu and Diane Keaton moments.

3. I don't feel that their post is meant to be ironic or in any way piss taking of the dreaminess of Mr. Keanu Reeves. While I will not state for the, or any record, that I share these feelings, it is nice to know that people find him to be their Cary Grant/George Clooney/etc.

4. He does show range in this film, I mean he's playing a romantic lead!! (Yes I just typed that!)

5. Even though Nicholson has been sleeping through most of his films, and assumingly saying things like, "One take, and I get paid in cash, daily.", I feel Keanu was a driving force in this film, and he ended up being a metaphor for all nice boys from the midwest, i.e. you're going to lose and the asshole will win. So in short Keanu in film form provides a life lesson for all boys/men, that being when it comes to women, you will lose to Jack Nicholson.

People have made re-edits of the film's ending so that Keanu ends up with Diane Keaton:

There is a subset of individuals who find the man most sexy, take for instance this video:

Or better yet, this one, with amazing music!:

Tabula Rasa

It's as clear as day to me: Keanu Reeves is here to usher in the next stage in evolution. Think about it: how could someone so aggressively bland, so caustically vanilla, so mediocre, be so celebrated, even by a culture as marginally intelligent as ours? It's like paying a sheet of paper millions of dollars to be white. Keanu is so mediocre it's transcendent. Even when he was scooting around in his cameo as the Dog Boy in Freaked I was rolling my eyes. In rapture? Maybe. I picked the wrong industry in which to work, because any industry that would cast this guy as the savior of the planet, or pay him a million fucking dollars for a cameo scampering about in dog make up, or show his slightly hairy ass to anyone, has to be fucked.

Or, the mongoloid svengalis of Hollywood have loosed him upon the world as a bastion of blandness to force the masses to face their laughably low standards in art, philosophy, if not basic intellectual function. As if the hand of God was guiding these money grubbing cretins to dump such a totem to mediocrity on the doorstep of our collective consciousness, thus employing the stratagem not dissimilar to locking a child in a closet until they smoke an entire carton of cigarettes. But enough about my childhood.

I am so terribly sorry for mixing so many metaphors. And for the run-on sentences. They shame me.

All of that being said, I did enjoy seeing him say "boner" to Dianne Wiest in Parenthood. And he puked convincingly in in The Matrix. And the look of constantly being out of his league that he wore in Bram Stoker's Dracula was quite satisfying.

Let the games begin! I am personally looking forward to us three squaring off against the travesty that is Constantine.

Keanu, Reeves, whoa.

Face it, you love at least one movie with Keanu Reeves in it. Two if you consider life worth living (Point Break, Street Kings). His mini biography on IMDB has this as it's opening salvo "One of the most inscrutable actors to ever hit it big.", but really what does that mean? Is he really that impossible to interpret? Aside from the line "slightly overmatched by stage furniture?" Is he a later generation's lesser talented Kevin Bacon? He's obviously more easy to mock, than say Mr. Bacon, but is that his charm?Could Keanu carry a movie like Quicksilver? That's pure Bacon. Has there ever been another actor in Hollywood that is quite like him? Is anyone else in the world pulled in by the possibility of a Point Break sequel? Or the fact that Point Break might have been called Johnny Utah if not for the rising start of Swayze? Questions... questions...